


Our first loves

by Yougaythen



Category: Ballum, ben mitchell callum highway
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:40:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24352234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yougaythen/pseuds/Yougaythen
Summary: Upon moving house Ben and Callum say goodbye to the old and hello to the new, resulting in a heart to heart about their first loves
Kudos: 8





	Our first loves

‘Ben where are you?”’ Callum shouts from the bottom of the stairs.  
They had been in their new house for a couple of weeks now, moving came with it’s own stresses, saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new was never going to be easy, especially when saying goodbye meant leaving part of who you once were behind. Ben, although had moved on from Paul, realised how close he was to him living in Callum’s flat, the way he could just walk into their old room, memories of Pam and Les filled that place. But now was time for them both to move on. 

‘I'm up here putting the clothes away in the wardrobe, want to come help” Ben shouts back as he hears the footsteps getting louder and closer. “I’m uh just going to put this under the bed and then I’ll help okay?” The open question lingering in the air, they both knew an answer wasn’t needed, “what is it?” Ben asks, seeing the familiar brown tatty box in Callum’s hands, he had seen it back at the old place, presuming it was something he brought from his family home, memories or something. “ oh,” Callum starts. “ It's just some old letters from my army days, some I wrote back home, some written about me and our hats, it’s nothing really, just a box of memories” he said, tears already welling at the inner corners of his eyes.  
“Chris?” Ben questions, voice slightly lower than normal, “Whit mentioned him once to me, said something about him being with you in a kitchen or something. I don’t really remember the details” he continues. “Yes, we worked together cooking for everyone, we got pretty close, it’s kind of inevitable that we grew close together,” he trails off knowing Ben is looking at him. 

He feels vulnerable and small almost like the weight of the world is on him until Ben starts talking again “I’m glad you know. That you had someone, were you together like together, before us” “I guess, we never really said it aloud but everyone knew, we didn’t go anywhere without each other, you know when I got discharged it was the first time I was going to have to leave him, I knew he couldn’t come with me but I never wanted it to end, then I came back pretended to be someone I wasn’t and allowed myself to get caught up with whit in the hopes it would make me forget, we lost contact and I never really got to say goodbye to him. And then his sister got in contact a couple years ago and told me he passed, he was the real hero, Ben, he stayed out there until the end” words at this point tumbled from his mouth, he needed to say this now or maybe there would never be a right time. “I crumbled giving her back his things I took, walked away and tried to forget about him, but she insisted I kept them. She gave me the letters he wrote home to her, details about me I never knew about all in them letters, never revealed who I actually was though. I’ve only ever read them once, the longing to be back in his arms were too much” he trails off, tears forming in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. “May I?” Ben delicately asks as he starts to remove the lid from the box, “here, hold him close again” he says, passing Callum the hat from inside the box, taking Callum into his arms. “He felt like home, the one familiar thing, he became part of who I was, he loved so gently, so soft, his arms barely wrapped around me, he’d stand slightly on tiptoes to reach and hold my face” “do you mind if I read some?” Ben questions. 

The words upon those papers were so raw and tender, love filled in pen ink and paper, each one told a different story, some of how they spent the nights together, how they would make each other laugh and cry, how they longed for each other but still not apart in distance. In one Chris had planned out some things he’d like to do after he left the army, he wanted a family, to settle down in a townhouse, run his own business for a while and there at the bottom detailed of how he was never going to let Callum go, a single tear rolled bens cheek, still holding Callum in his arms. “He sounded wonderful, full of love” Ben started, not really knowing where to take this after what he had just read. So they sat for a while, in silence, not the awkward type but the, I’m here and I know how this feels and I’ll always be here. 

After a while Callum moved from within Bens arms, pushing himself back on the bed until he was across from Ben to see his face, “you know paul,” Ben began, “his grandparents, Pam and Les, they weren’t too sure at the start but they welcomed me as part of the family in the end. More than my actual family, dad stormed out when I told him, he hated Paul and never wanted to know him but Paul was everything to me. He was the first thing in my life that didn’t make me feel lonely, you know that night you and whit had that party, it was the first time I’d seen his room since” he trailed off not wanting to say those words “he was my everything, the way I felt safe in his arms. Pam gave me all these photos when she left, a couple of notes she found in old books and his favourite shirt, told me to keep them safe but the only real thing she wanted me to do was keep him in my heart, never forget about him. In a way it was her permission to move on, find someone new, but no one could have ever filled the space Paul left. He was my first love like Chris was yours, our first love, taken away like punishment for who we really are” his voice going quieter with each word. He had always kept the details of Paul inside, too broken to reveal them or just there never being a right time, the lack of companionship, safety and warmth. 

“And then I met you, your arms contained the warmth, the love, this feeling of knowing instantly that there was something, but you were with whit and I knew that, I battled for you though because I knew somewhere inside we were these two broken figures bound by these expectations set by our fathers of something we were never going to be. I fought so hard but kept pushing away because I didn’t know if I was ready to love again, ready to feel something for someone else.” Ben trailed off. “But you did Ben, the nights I’d spend with whit, wide awake because I was falling too, but my mind was still shattered and broken and no amount of love would have fixed that, I hid Chris from her for as long as I could, his name when she spoke it felt like a judgment, but with you if feels like he is still out there, not being judged just being loved” 

Ben returned Callum’s letters and things to the box, placed the lid on and put it on the floor. He moved closer to Callum, taking him in his arms once more and placing a small short kiss to the side of his neck. They had both shared things the other didn’t know, shared similar stories of how they both lost their first love and how they both came from broken childhoods into adults. They were there for each other now and for always, with their first loves still very much present in their stories.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I’ve never posted any fics before so I hope you enjoyed. Let me know.


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